


13 Ways To Screw Up Your Death Eater Interview

by Remus_Lupin_Moony



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 10:53:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10695543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remus_Lupin_Moony/pseuds/Remus_Lupin_Moony
Summary: This is based on an actual play.The Original play is called "13 Ways To Screw Up Your College Interview" and you can find it on Youtube. It's very funny and I'm doing the play anyways for theater club so I thought any not make this while all of my readers are waiting for my main stories to update.Hope you enjoy.





	13 Ways To Screw Up Your Death Eater Interview

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based off of the play "13 Ways To Screw Up Your College Interview" which belongs to Ian McWethy, all credit for the script goes to him.
> 
> Any and all characters I have used in this belongs to J.K. Rowelling who owns the Harry Potter series.
> 
> Any and all things that happen in this is only for pure entertainment and comedy. Without further announcements, please enjoy.

Scene 1

 

(Two desks. Each desk has two seats on either side.)

(Lucius Malfoy sits at his desk. Severus Snape enters, a worries look on his face.)

Lucius: So?

Severus: We're short.

Lucius: We're short?

Severus: We are. . .short.

Lucius: By how much?

Severus: That's the kicker. We're short by one follower.

Lucius: One follower!

Severus: One stupid. . .follower.

Lucius: Are you kidding me? The Dark Lord really thinks one follower is going to make a difference?

Severus: You know how anal he is with budgets. He's convinced if we can get one more person to join this year all our problems will be solved.

Lucius: But we don't have any more interviews schedule. When does he want our recommendations by?

Severus: Today.

Lucius: Today?

Severus: Or Avada Kedavera

Lucius: Or. . . Avada Kedavera? What sense does that make?

Severus: I think he still blames us for accepting that pyromaniac that burn down the potions lab.

Lucius: But he was a pureblood! How were we to know?

(Severus Snape shrugs. Lucius Malfoy shakes his head in disgust.)

Lucius: Well, what are we going to do? We finished our interviews last week.

Severus: Look through the wait listed files and start calling. If any of them can see us today, let's give them a shot.

Lucius: The wait list? Oh Merlin.

Severus: Hey, our backs are against the wall here. If we don't find a diamond in the rough. . .we're put of here.

(Lucius Malfoy boss his head.)

Lucius: Alright, I'll start making calls. Good luck.

Severus: Hey, keep your head up. The wait listed followers aren't as bad as you think.

(Severus Snape leaves.)

 

Scene 2

 

(Peter Pettigrew, normal, nice wizard, enters Lucius Malfoy's office.)

Lucius: Peter, thanks for coming in.

Peter: Thanks for having me.

Lucius: Did you have any trouble finding the Barrow building?

Peter: Um. . .That's a personal matter and. . .I'd rather not answer it.

(Beat. Huh?)

Lucius: Well, okay, shall we get started?

Peter: Sometimes.

Lucius: I. . .well let me start by telling you about how this group differs from others in the state. We're a smaller side, with smaller group sizes and personal attention, but we have the resources of a big known side. These resources include amazing spies, and a faculty of practicing professionals.

Peter: Well I'm glad to hear that. When I applied one of my big fears was being overwhelmed by huge group.

Lucius: Well that is exactly the atmosphere we try to avoid here. Now, have you thought about a job yet?

Peter: That is my MOTHER your talking about here!

(Beat.)

Oh dear, you didn't ask to see my mother and a two-piece bathing suit, do you?

Lucius: No, I didn't.

Peter: allow me to explain. I haven't extremely rare disorder known as "Chronaquestimixidous." It's a neurological condition which renders a person incapable of hearing a question. . .correctly.

Lucius: And by correctly you mean-

Peter: Every time you ask a question, I hear completely different one.

Lucius: I see. How come I never heard of "Chronaquestimixidous," before?

Peter: Eleanor Roosevelt. . .probably.

(Peter Pettigrew hands Lucius Malfoy a healer's note.)

I probably should have told you as soon as I came in. Sorry, I just don't like to make a big deal about it.

Lucius: Well. . .Peter, I don't know what I can do exactly. A Death Eater interview is primarily the asking of questions.

Peter: So. . .if a deaf person came into your office, you'd just refuse to do the interview?

Lucius: No, I would make sure a translator fluent in sign language was available to aid in the interview.

Peter: Well I'm sorry that the ministry hasn't recognized CQM as a legitimate medical condition, but I try to live my life in a normal and healthy way, and I would appreciate it if you treated me the same as any other prospective follower.

Lucius: I. . .suppose you're right but, well. . .okay, shall we continue with the interview?

Peter: It's in Argentina, isn't it?

Lucius: Um, yes. . .sure is. So, what kind of extracurricular activities are you interested in?

Peter: Seventh year, Melissa Bloch. We both had braces, it was kind of akward.

Lucius: What's your favorite subject in school?

Peter: I would take South Pike road, except during rush hour.

Lucius: What's your favorite color?

Peter: Every Sunday.

Lucius: Is it me or is this completely pointless?

Peter: I don't know too much about the salivary gland, sorry.

Lucius: Well, that went well, thank you so much for stopping by.

Peter: Thank you.

(Peter Pettigrew stands up to leave.)

Lucius: Do you need directions to get back to Hogsmead?

Peter Pettigrew: Cookie Monster. I guess I just like the googley eyes. I'd that weird?

Lucius: A little. Yeah.

(Petter Pettigrew leaves.)

 

Scene 3

 

(Alecto Carrow meets with Severus Snape.)

Severus: Thank you for coming in on such short notice.

Alecto: I'm glad you four fit me in. My life has just been so busy lately.

Snape: Oh yeah, with what?

Alecto: Oh, you know, applying for the Death Eaters, and of the year purges. Trying to into a ministry of magic to help the Dark Lord. I'm top of all that, I'm being filmed in a documentary.

Snape: A documentary? Really?

Alecto: Yeah, i know its crazy. My brother knows this guy. . .and he's doing this thing about highschoolers, like a gritty, realistic piece about about kids all over the country and. . .you know, they just thought I was interesting I guess.

Snape: So they follow you around everywhere?

Alecto: Yeah and actually. . .I probably should have told you this through the flew earlier, but they're. . .right outside the door.

Snape: Oh, well. . .

Alecto: And I know it's weird and everything, but they're completely respectful, very auiet, you'll hardly know there here.

Snape: I'm sure they are, it's just, I have a reputation here in this-

Alecto: Oh they'll blur your face, no one will even know it's you if you want. Plus it's free publicity for the Death Eaters.

Severus: I. . .suppose. But you promise you'll blur my face and disguise my voice.

Alecto: Oh yeah, if you just sign this, and check this box, well make sure your likeness isn't used in any way.

(Severus Snape signs the paper.)

Severus: It's not that I don't trust you, it's just you have to be very careful these days-

Alecto: HE SIGNED IT!

(Amycus Carrow comes in holding a camera.)

Amycus: Great, great, great. Hey how are you? Okay, Alecto. Your makin' the Death Eater rounds now, but remember what I said: We're trying to be the next Jessica Simpson, the next fat guy on biggest loser, the next Sanjaya. So let's up the awful factor. I want you to be dumb and loud and MEAN! I wanna hate you so much I can't turn away. AND ACTION!

(Severus Snape is frozen. Alecto starts chewing gum and texting.)

(Beat.)

Severus: I thought you said this was for a documentary film.

Amycus: Cut! Come on man, can you just do your job? Can you just ask questions? We all want this to be quick. Let's do this quick.

Severus: But she said this was a-

Amycus: YES! It's a documentary! It's a series of documentary s hort films, premiering on the T4 network and ten o'clock on Sundays.

Severus: T4!? The Reality Teen Music Channel? With those horrible shows about spoiled birthdays and Karaoke drama queens?

Amycus: Oh, good, you're a fan. Look. Just ask a few questions and were out of here.

Severus: No! I won't. . .I can't be on that channel.

Amycus: Ah, should've looked at the contract, friend. If you DON'T do this, you'll be fined twenty thousand galeons.

Severus: Twenty thousand?!?

(Severus Snape reads the contract over.)

Amycus: Look man, we're not asking you to do anything crazy. Just do your job, ask a few questions, and we'll be out of your hair.

Severus: Fine, let's just, fine.

Amycus: Alright, and Alecto,  remember what we talked about. ACTION!

Severus: Okay, Alecto

Alecto: (acting like a brat:) It's pronounced AL-EC-TOOOO. No E. The e is silent.

Severus: Okay, fine, Al-Ec-To. Why is it you want to be in the Death Eaters.

Alecto: First of all to party. Second of all, to meet some totes hot guys. Like totes n' totes.

Severus: Totes you say, well. . .anything else that you would want to do here? What. . .is your most compatible skill?

Alecto: What do you mean? Skill?

Severus: You know, a skill. A talent of sorts.

Alecto: What do you mean by talent? Like dancing?

Severus: No. What. . .you don't know what your skill your good at?

Alecto: No. I'm totally dumb. But at least I'm not old, like you!

Amycus: Cut! PERFECT ALECTO! You were stupid, obnocious. . .A completely terrible person. Just the kind of thing we like to see on reality TV.

(They start to leave.)

Alecto: (acting normal:) Oh, when we do my confessionals, I should say how creepy the interviewer was and that he was, like, hitting on me.

Amycus: Perfect, I got some shots of him, that if we put it in slow-motion, will make him look really creepy. Like lecherous and. . .

(They leave. Severus Snape looked defeated. He picks up the phone.)

Severus: Hi, is the Dark Lord in. . .no, could you leave a message. . .ask him how he would feel if the Death Eaters appeared in a. . .documentary? Thank you.

 

Scene 4

 

(Lucius Malfoy with Igor Karkaroff, who's very still.)

Lucius: And our meetings are held once our mark starts burning, that is when the Dark Lord calls us of course. And for the last several years someone always gets hexed at the meetings.

(Igor Karkaroff barely acknowledges.)

Lucius: You know, I feel like I've been taking this entire time. You've been very quiet.

(Igor Karkaroff moved forward as if to speak. . .And vomits on Lucius Malfoy's desk.)

(They sit for a moment.)

Igor: I don't think I feel so good.

Lucius: What gave you that idea?

 

Scene 5

 

(Severus Snape is making notes in a file when Fenrir Greyback, dressed in a suit, talking in a blackberry, comes into the room and paces around.)

Fenrir: Okay, okay! I'm totally on it, I'm on it, trust me. I'm gonna push my five a o'clock to six, my Tuesday to friday, and flip another thing with a thing I got next month so don't worry about it.

Severus: Excuse me-

Fenrir: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold on. (To Severus Snape:) I'll be done in a few, I'm so greatful for your patients, I can't express that enough. We're going to have a great convo, I can feel it. (Back to the phone:) Okay chief, I gotta wrap this up. I'm psyched, I'm hungry, I'm pumped, we're gonna blow this out of the water and blow people's minds. Mañana.

(He hangs up the phone.)

Fenrir: Again, appreciate your patience and you general attitude! You're an ace in he hoLe. Up! Una momento.

(Fenrir Greyback takes out his phone.)

Fenrir: Ah, its my broham, Remus. He's such a jerk. I just gotta (starts texting:) "Put your money where your mouth is, Remus Rem. No Doubt!" Ah! Remus. Love 'em but wouldn't trust him with a pencil, know what I mean? Okay! Let's do this thing.

Severus: You're Fenrir? You're thirty minutes late.

Fenrir: I know, I know, I got caught up in a confrence call, a nightmare lunch meeting. . .And this girl I'm dating. . .blah blah blah. . .you know.

Severus: Well, it's inconvenient for me. I have another prospective Death Eater. . .

Fenrir: I know, I know, I've got a meet and greet in a fiber so let's just bulldoze through this thing, shall we?

Severus: Well, alright. . .I guess-

Fenrir: You know what? I'm gonna take the reigns here and skip the whole "you ask questions part." So here's me: I'm a self-motivator, I'm extremely competitive, and I'm the life of the party. I like the Death Eaters aggresive program that ties with the war going on. Gonna pledge Alpha-Phi-Beta, or Delta-Kai-Delta. . .depending on the pledge class. My stats are well above your average so let's make this happen. If you're in the boat, I'm driving the ship. We good?

Severus: No. Not at all.

Fenrir: Cranberries, baby!

(Fenrir Greyback sticks his hand out for a fist bump. Severus Snape doesn't respond. Not noticing, Fenrir Greyback stands up and answers his phone.)

Fenrir: Whattup buttercup! Yeag, I just had to do this lane face-to-face, I'm on my way. Kidding me, nailed it! It's the Fenrster you're talking about here.

(Fenrir Greyback leaves. Severus Snape throws Fenrir Greyback's file in the trash.)

 

Scene 6

 

(Lucius Malfoy with Draco Malfoy.)

Lucius: Thanks again for coming in in such short notice.

Draco: Please, it was no trouble at all.

Lucius: So tell me about yourself? What subjects do you like school, do you have any hobbies? You know stuff like that.

Draco: Hobbies? I have a few, I suppose. I used to be really into swimming but. . .I haven't. . .not since. . .that day. . .

(Draco simmers with emotion.)

Lucius: Are you okay? We don't have to. . .

Draco: No, it's okay. . .I want to, I. . .I need to talk about it. It was a blistering summer day, Bill Blajemore, Poufhkeepsie's local weatherman, said it was one of the hottest days in record history and advised us to stay in at all costs. But I ignored his warnings. Swimming was my life and life. . .doesn't stop, not even for a handsome weatherman with salt and pepper hair. I want to the pool early, for on my swimming suit, and began my morning stretches. It was during warm-ups that I saw him. . .A little boy, fiery red hair, freckles sprinkled across his pale white skin, teetering on the edge on the pool. Before I could even think to warn him, he tumbled into the watery abyss. His body thrashed about violently, his eyes closed shut from the sting of chlorine, his voice silenced from all the water he was swallowing. I jumped into the water and swam over as quickly as I could but. . .I was too late. . .he was. . .

(Draco Malfoy is overcome with emotion.)

Draco: That was right years ago and. . .I've never say good in a pool since.

Lucius: Draco, that was very brave of you to share this with me. Witnessing a death like that. . .especially that of a young child-

Draco: No, he didn't die.

Lucius: He didn't?

Draco: No, the lifeguard pulled him out of the water.

Lucius: Oh, well even seeing a bear death experience-

Draco: He was only in the water for a few seconds when the lifeguard pulled him out.

Lucius: He was?

Draco: Yes.

Lucius: I thought you said "it was too late"?

Draco: IT WAS TOO LATE FOR ME! I couldn't save home because. . .I was TOO. . .late. . .

(Draco Malfoy is overcome with emotion. Lucius Malfoy is confused.)

Lucius: So. . .you saw a child fall into the pool, and then a lifeguard pulled him out. . .and that. . .?

(Draco Malfoy is too distraught to answer.)

Lucius: You know what, let's just. . .move on.

(Draco nods his head.)

Lucius: What is it about the Death Eaters that interests you? Why do you want to come here?

Draco: There are many reasons I supposed but. . .only one that ever really maytered. It was a crisp day in March, much like today. Harry Potter, my best friend since the third year, and I were leaving professor Binns' exessively boring history class. Harry asked me if I had thought about applying to you. I lot him, "a little." Then he told me I should "go for it." I said, "maybe. . .yeah." I was flippant, disregarding my best friend's advice with so little inarticulate words. . .and those words. . .we're the last I ever said to Harry.

(Draco is once again overcome with emotion.)

Lucius: I am. . .so sorry. Losing a best friend like that. . .I can't imagine how awful that must have been for you.

Draco: It was, it really was.

Lucius: How old was Harry when he passed?

Draco: Passed?

Lucius: Died.

Draco: He didn't die.

Lucius: What?

Draco: No, he's going to the light side in fall, he's very smart.

Lucius: I thought you said that was the last time you ever spoke to him.

Draco: It was. We had a falling out after that.

Lucius: A falling out, what like a big fight or. . .

Draco: No, it we just went out separate ways. It was mutual.

Lucius: So. . .just to set the record straight. You saw a kid fall into a pool who was almost immediately picked up by a lifeguard, and you lost touch with a friend. These are the events that have shaped your life an d caused you so much emotional distress?

Draco: You weren't there! You don't know what it's like to actually. . .be there and. . .see it!

(Beat. Lucius Malfoy gives up.)

Lucius: Well, it was great to meet you. I have a meeting in a few minutes, so. . .

Draco: Oh. Of course. Thank you for seeing me.

Lucius: And uh, I know it's not my place but. . .you might want to consider some kind of. . .therapy.

Draco: Therapy. . .yes, I. . .went to a therapist. Once. It was a chilly autumn day and I had been feeling. . .optimistic.

(Lucius Malfoy groans and slumps into his chair.)

 

Scene 7

 

(Barty Crouch, Jr sits across from Severus Snape, lifting his shirt up and doing a drum solo on his stomach. I comes to a big finish.)

Barty: And that was "Wipeout."

(Severus Snape just stares.)

Severus: . . .Okay, well. . .

Barty: And now, the orchestral opening to Sweeney Todd.

(A few snacks on Barty Crouch, Jr's tummy. Severus Snape rubs his head.)

 

Scene 8

 

(Antonin Dolohov, tightly wound, a Stepford wife-ish smile, enters the room. Lucius Malfoy stands to greet her.)

Lucius: Hi, you must be Antonin.

Antonin: Yes! Hi. . .

Lucius: Great, take a seat.

Antonin: Sure!

Lucius: (opens his file:) So, let's seem here. . .oh! You know what, we never received your essay.

Antonin: Is that right?!?

Lucius: Yeah, I'm not, uh, sure what happened. Do you have a copy of it?

Antonin: Oh absolutely. I've got it right here in my bag!

(He reaches into his bag, pulls out a single sheet of paper, and hands it to Lucius Malfoy.)

Lucius: That's great, thank you. . .so, uh. . .I'm sorry, this is your essay?

Antonin: That's right.

Lucius: But. . .it's. . .this is a drawing of a girl. . .in a pink dress. . .saying "oh boy!"

Antonin: Oh boy!

(A very awkward beat.)

Lucius: Okay, well let's look at your transcript shall we. . .

(Lucius Malfoy opens Antonin Dolohov's file and is found speechless.)

Lucius: You have no GPA?

Antonin: That's right.

Lucius: And you didn't take the Owl's or Newt's?

Antonin: Well now, how about that!

Lucius: According to this, you have a perfect attendance record, but have refused do any homework or take any tests.

Antonin: That's right.

Lucius: But. . .Antonin, I'm not even sure how you got to this point. You can't join us if you have no GPA.

Antonin: Perhaps you'd like to see my recommendation.

Lucius: No, Antonin, I'm. . .there is no way anyone let alone us, is going to-

(Antonin Dolohov hands Lucius Malfoy another piece of paper.)

Lucius: This is a picture of a cat. . .saying "meow."

Antonin: (correcting:) Me-ow. Yes.

(Antonin Dolohov nods his head and gives a big "dead behind the eyes" smile.)

Lucius: Well, thank you for coming, we'll be in touch.

Antonin: Alright then, you take care.

Lucius: Okay.

Antonin: Oh boy!

(Antonin Dolohov doesn't get up.)

Lucius: Please leave, you're freaking me out.

(He doesnt.)

 

Scene 9

 

(Regulus Black, slacker, is either asleep, dead, or in a coma, in his chair. Severus Snape enters.)

Severus: Oh, sorry. Didn't know. . .uh. . .

(No response from Regulus Black)

Severus: Uh, hello, are you-

Regulus: What?

Severus: You're awake?

Regulus: Yeah.

Severus: I thought you were asleep.

Regulus: (annoyed:) I'm not asleep, okay!

Severus: Right. Sorry. So, should we get started?

Regulus: (tired:) Whatever.

Severus: Okay. So, what is it that made you interested in our side?

Regulus: I dunno.

Severus: You don't know?

Regulus: (exasperated:) I just. . .don't, okay!?! God!

Severus: Okay, well. . .fine. So, what kind if things are you interested in? You know, school wise, or hobbies?

Regulus: Stuff.

Severus: Stuff?

Regulus: And things.

Severus: Stuff and things?

Regulus: Yeah! Stuff. Things! And whatever!

Severus: Well you must do something?

Regulus: I eat. That usually wipes me out.

Severus: But what about clubs, sports, social things?

Regulus: I tried to start a nap club once but man. . .it was so hard.

Severus: To start a club where you. . .nap?

Regulus: Yeah, you have to fill out forms and stuff. And get signatures. And. . .get a. . .

(Regulus Black trails off and spaces out.)

Severus: Regulus?

Regulus: What?

Severus: But haven't you ever. . .been inspired to. . .do anything?

(Regulus Black thinks, then sits up a little.)

Regulus: Well there was one thing. . .I saw it on TV and it really got me thinking, in a motivated kind of way.

Severus: Yeah? What was it?

Regulus: I was watching the news and there was this woman in the hospital and she. . .went into a coma from this weird stroke and. . .they kept trying and trying to get her out of it. . .like doctor's spent years trying to revive her. . .but they never figured it out.

Severus: So this made you. . .maybe untreated in medicine? Like a healer?

Regulus: No, it just made me jealous. This woman, she was like, having these tubes feed her and breathe for her. And they put on the TV all day. I mean you know how like sometimes, breathing is just like. . .so much work sometimes, ya know.

(Beat.)

Severus: So. . .this inspired you. . .to be in a coma?

Regulus: Totally.

(Severus Snape slouches in his chair.)

Regulus: What's the matter?

Severus: I'm. . .just. . .tired.

Regulus: Yeah, me too.

(They exhale.)

 

Scene 10

 

(Lucius Malfoy watches in horror as Yaxley belts out the end to "Defying Gravity" from "Wicked.")

Yaxley: NOTHING'S GONNA BRING. . .ME. . .DOOOOOWWWWWWN!

(Beat.)

Lucius: Wow, well you are obviously very talented, but. . .again, and I can't stress this enough, this IS NOT the audition for the theatre program so. . .a monologue and two songs really aren't-

Yaxley: (In full "Music Man" performance mode:) TROUBLE, OH WE GOT TROUBLE,  
RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY!  
WITH A CAPITAL "T"  
THAT RHYMES WITH "P"  
AND THAT STANDS FOR POOL. . .

 

Scene 11

 

(Severus Snape is wrapping up with Augustus Rookwood, pleasant, sweet, dressed in black.)

Severus: Well your grades from Hogwarts suffice, and everything looks pretty good.

Augustus: Thank you.

Severus: Is there any thing else you can tell me about yourself? Something that's maybe not on the page.

Augustus: Yeah, let's see. . . I never played sports in school but I played in a number of rec leagues. Volleyball, soccer, basketball. I volunteer at a soup kitchen every month, I'm a practicing vampire, and I teach sailing during the summer at a sleep away camp. Is that what you were looking for?

Severus: Yeah, definitely, um. . .I'm sorry, can you. . .elaborate a little on, uh-

Augustus: Soup Kitchen? Well, I actually started because of my parents. They were very big into community service.

Severus: No, not. . .I'm sorry, it sounded like you said you were a "practicing vampire."

Augustus: Oh. Yes. Pretty much my whole life.

Severus: Okay. So. . .you think you're a vampire?

Augustus: Oh, No, no, no. That would be, no. . .

Severus: Oh, okay, I guess I'm a little-

Augustus: I'm a practicing vampire. It's completely different.

Severus: So is this like a club or. . .role playing game?

Augustus: Um. . .no, it's more serious than that. Basically, I live my life in preparation for the day when I will, hopefully turn into a vampire.

Severus: Turn into?

Augustus: Right. So, I sleeping in a coffin, avoid garlic, eat lots of bloody meat, chew with my fangs. . .all in the hopes that one day, if I'm diligent enough. . .I will turn into a vampire.

Severus: I see, uh. . .well then, uh, what are you doing here now? I mean, you shouldn't be out during the day, right?

Augustus: That's a common stereotype. Vampires, just like humans, can walk freely in the daylight without receiving  even the slightest irritation to the skin.

Severus: I see. So your more like those Twilight vampires.

(Augustus Rookwood gives Severus Snape the evil eye.)

Augustus: Is that an attempt at humor?

Severus: No, I. . .

Augustus: Becaue I don't find it funny, at all. In fact, I find it pretty insulting and frankly. . .pretty vampirist.

Severus: Vampirist? Augustus! You're not going to turn into a vampire. At least the type your thinking of.

(Augustus Rookwood stands up, extremely insulted.)

Augustus: Wow. That may be the most offensive thing I've ever heard. I'm going to leave now.

Severus: Are you. . .is this some kind of joke? Did Malfoy put you up to this?

Augustus: No, this is very serious. And when I get a hold of the NVUA, you're going to have a public relations nightmare on your hands. 

Severus: NVUA?

Augustus: National Vampires Union Ah-ah-ah. All vampires should be respected and given blood. 

Severus: (at the end of his rope:) Alright, well, you go and call the NVUA and day hello to Dracula, and Lestat, and all those whiny twilight kids. 

Augustus: Sure. I will. Because we're just all the same to you! Honestly, I expected more out of this group. 

(Augustus Rookwood storms out. Severus Snape rubs his head. He picks up the phone ans dials the front.)

Severus: (blowing off:) A union for vampires. Pffa.

(Severus Snape hangs up the phone. Then looks out the window suspiciously.)

 

Scene 12

 

 

(Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange are in mid laugh.)

Bellatrix: And the entire audience is COMPLETELY drenched!

Lucius: Oh man! Wow!

Bellatrix: Needless to say that was the LAST time I ever went to Sea World.

(The laughter peters out.)

Lucius: Well I've got to tell you Bellatrix, everything looks great. Solid OWLs and NEWTs, GPA high above our groups average, and your essay was. . .well to be honest, quite moving.

Belatrix: Well, this is such a great university, I'd be honored to attend.

(They stand up and shake hands.)

Lucius: Hey, we'd be lucky to have you. And you applying to any other organizations?

Bellatrix: Nope. Just here.

Lucius: Oh, okay, great. Great.

(Beat.)

Bellatrix: So. . .

Lucius: Uh. . .yes?

Bellatrix: I'm in then?

Lucius: Well, no. I mean not yet. I have to pass this along to my supervisors and. . .

(Bellatrix Lestrange releases her hand and sits down. Had a cold, calculating look on her face.)

Lucius: Its a process, you know, I can't officially-

Bellatrix: (Dead pan and intense:) Sit down.

Lucius: What?

Bellatrix: Sit down, won't you?

(Lucius Malfoy sits down.)

Lucius: Is there a problem?

Bellatrix: That depends on you. You see, for reasons I can't in entirely explain to you at this moment, it is vital that I join this Organization. I've been meticulously planning for this day, years of OWLs prep, NEWTs classes, all in the hopes of being accepted. I was intending to hear an answer today.

Lucius: Well, I'm sorry, I. . .don't have the authority to just let you in right now.

Bellatrix: There are forces at play here friend, forces that you cannot possibly comprehend. But trust me, it is very vital, and not just for me, but for this entire group and faculty that I am in the organization. Many lives hang in the balance. You don't want to be held responsible for the loss of life, do you?

Lucius: Of course not. . .but. . .how is me letting you in today going to save lives?

Bellatrix: The world is a series of connections and plans, every human being affects another, every decision has a consequence, and this decision. . .this decision will be the most important one you'll ever make.

Lucius: Bellatrix, you're being incredibly vague and. . .besides, its not as simple as "me letting you in."

Bellatrix: An oral agreement is legally binding in this state. So, in fact, it is that simple.

Lucius: Look, what I can tell you is that it's practically a done deal, I'm going to give a great recommendation, and with your stats-

Bellatrix: THAT'S NOT. . .what I'm asking for.

(Tense beat.)

Lucius: Bellatrix, let's not ruin what was a great interview by-

Bellatrix: I'm not leaving until I get my answer.

Lucius: Well you're going to have to because I have another prospective student coming in at one.

Bellatrix: No you don't. Your four o'clock cancelled this morning. You don't have another appointment until Rebecca Smith at 4:45.

(Beat. Lucius Malfoy is now kinda freaked out.)

Lucius: How did you. . .did you break into my e-mail or something?

(Bellatrix Lestrange looks straight ahead.)

Lucius: Okay, you know what, I'm not sure what happened here, but I'm going to have to call security.

(Lucius Malfoy picks up the phone. He clicks the receiver a couple of times.)

Lucius: Hello I. . .hello, hello?

Bellatrix: Phone troubles?

(Lucius Malfoy slowly puts the phone down. He gets up and backs away.)

Bellatrix: Doors locked. And we're ten stories up so the windows would be a very. . .safe option either.

Lucius: Alright, who are you?

Bellatrix: A name is but a label, and I have many labels but that's not important right now. What's important is that you, tell me, right now. . .exactly what I was hoping to hear.

Lucius: Bellatrix if I could I would, I just-

(The lights go out. Bellatrix immediately turns on a flashlight, underlighting her face. When Lucius Malfoy talks, she points the light on him.)

Bellatrix: Its only an outage friend. Circuits break all the time.

Lucius: Please, I don't have any real authority. An acceptance from me would be meaningless-

Bellatrix: Then there's no reason not to say it.

Lucius: Why are you doing this?

Bellatrix: I'm not doing this, you're doing this. And it can all go away with three little words-

Lucius: But it won't-

Bellatrix: NO! THOSE AREN'T THE RIGHT WORDS! SAY IT! JUST SAY IT!

Lucius: Okay! I. . .you've been accepted. You've been accepted. You will join us in the fall upon hearing your acceptance.

(Lights come back on. Bellatrix turns off the lights off. A tense moment, then. . .)

Bellatrix: (switching back:) Oh man! That's great! I can't tell you how. . .I gotta call my mom. It was so nice to meet you.

(Bellatrix Lestrange cheekily leaves the room. Lucius Malfoy collapses into his seat.)

 

Scene 13

 

(Delphini Riddle the ammazing! [Though not really]! Cape, top hat, pulls out a card.)

Delphini: So then is THIS your card?

Severus: No.

Delphini: But where there's a diamond, there must be a. . .Jack of all trades. . .in clubs.

Severus: Still not my card.

Delphini: Darn it. I was practicing all week.

Severus: Look, I'm very glad you have hobbies outside of school, but maybe we can get back to-

Delphini: Oh, sure, sure, sure. After. . .you show me the card UNDERNEATH YOUR SEAT.

(Severus Snape looks under his seat and picks up a playing card.)

Severus: "Rules on how to Play Texas Hold 'em?"

Delphini: And who makes the rules, but a KING.

Severus: Hey, that's actually my card.

Delphini: Really?

Severus: No.

Delphini: Okay, okay. . .let's try this. Pick a number between one and give thousand. NO, wait, first tell me your favorite color, then pick a number.

 

Scene 14

 

(Severus Snape enters Lucius Malfoy's office, defeated.)

Lucius: Not one?

Severus: Not a single. . .one.

Lucius: This is bad.

Severus: This is. . .extremely bad.

Lucius: You must have been to critical. I'm sure you saw at least one kid we could recommend.

Severus: Hey, if you want to look through my files, be my guest.

(Lucius Malfoy looks through Severus Snape's files.)

Severus: Well if your gonna to look at mine, then I'm gonna look at yours.

(They read in silence for a bit.)

Lucius: What does, "practicing vampire," mean?

(Severus Snape closed the file and shakes his head no. They continue to look.)

Severus: Whoa, what about Bellatrix. She's got near perfect OWLs and NEWTs-

Lucius: NO!

Severus: But her OWLs-

Lucius: No. . .just. . .trust me.

(A knock on the door. Harry Potter comes in.)

Harry: Hi, my name's Harry Potter. . .I have an appointment at five?

Lucius: Oh my gosh, right. Sorry, I. . .got a little side tracked.

Harry: Oh, no problem, should I wait?

Lucius: No, please, come in, uh. . .

(Lucius Malfoy looks for his file. Severus Snape finds it and gives it to Lucius Malfoy.)

Lucius: Okay. Thank you. Um. . .Harry, so. . .wow, nice record. Valedictorian of your class? They decided that already?

Harry: Normally they wait until the end of the year but. . .I guess my GPA was too high for anyone to catch up to me. I mean, there are a lot of really bright students at the school, so. . . I was just as surprised to find out this early.

Severus: I'm also really impressed with the variety of after school programs you've amassed. First chair cellist, president of the student council, member of the thespians, and treasure for something called the "relief club."

Harry: It was a club formed by me and three friends as a public outreach. . .we do shelter meals, food drives, build houses. . .there wasn't really anything like that at our school.

(Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape look at each other in glee. Finally.)

Lucius: Well, Harry, we should tell you that. . .

(Harry Potter's phone rings. Harry Potter scrambles to answer it.)

Harry: I'm so sorry. I never leave my phone on normally it just. . . (He looks at the number:) . . .this is my mom, I told her not to call unless it was really, really, urgent-

Lucius: No, go ahead. It's fine.

Harry: I'm so sorry. I'll be quick. (Answering his phone:) Hello? Yeah, no it's going fine. Any news? Oh my God! OH MY GOD! I GOT IN! I AM OFFICALLY A PHEONIX MEMBER! AAAAAHHHHH!!!

(Harry Potter dances around, ecstatic.)

Harry: And what about the. . .? . . .Are you kidding me! ARE YOU. . .but they hardly give out money let alone a free ride! OH MY GOD! MOM! I'm gonna cry, I. . .I know it's all happening. . .I. . . (To the interviews:), I'm sorry, I just have to. . .thank you, sorry. . .

(Harry Potter leaves the room, screaming, jumping, etc.)

(The two interviewers sit for a moment, deflated.)

(Lucius Malfoy looks through a file sadly.)

Lucius: This guy does magic.

(Severus Snape closes the file. They sit.)

 

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a link to the original video:
> 
> https://youtu.be/z69U-RMjZLc


End file.
